I Don't Knwo what I'm Thinkin' but its Really Late

It is amazing how some small thing can wreck things forever.  It’s like rolling your car, but you can’t buy a new life.  You really don’t notice those moments until they are gone and even if you notice it a second later, it’s already gone and it’s too late to do anything about it.  It’s like seeing a loved one for the last time and not saying ‘I love you’.  Its thinking ‘heck this won’t matter; not this once’ and never waking up from a nightmare. 

People talk about forgiveness and damnation.  They talk about things like they are the most straightforward things on the planet, but no one ever accounts for life.  This isn’t some tell all story (like I’d post that on a blog) it just what do you do when there is no one to talk to and nothing to do about the thought roaming your brain (now that’s something you can post on a blog).    I have been told by many people that there are less than savory things about me and that I am destined for a less than pleasant place.  The interesting thing is that I have been told this by people who are known as my friends and some that I swear I have never seen before in my life.  Now this is not truly my point but more of an example.  My point is where do we get these ideas from?  Where do we get our thoughts of right and wrong?  

People will tell me that it is a cultural construct, or that we are taught things by our parents.  This accounts for some of the things we think and feel but not everything.  For example, my sister and I grew up in the same community and were raised by the same parents, but our ideas about the world are very different (if you read this sis I mean nothing bad by it just sayin’ we are different ;-). 

Another question is why do we have to justify ourselves and to whom?  To me (personal opinion here, thus why I say ‘to me’ you can think whatever you want) the person I have to most justify myself to is… well me.  My friends my family yeah that’s all good but I am the one that has to live with myself and my actions (now if some people in the world would just learn the living with your own actions part).  So why should I have to justify the way that I am to people who couldn’t pick me out of a line up (as long as I hadn’t dyed my hair a crazy color :-/ )?  This is something about my culture that I cannot understand.  Why should I have to dress, act, look, feel, think, and just become what random people think I should?  Why should I be shunned or damned by their thoughts, and why should I give a damn?  Like I said this isn’t a complaining post it is more of a just wondering.  Some people seem to think that these things are everything, and I want to know why. 

It’s kinda funny really.  I stated asking my mom and dad why when I was little and at almost 25 I am still doing the same thing.  Honestly I think I will keep doing that until the day I die, and maybe after we’ll just have to see about at whole afterlife thing later :-P

The Biannual, Semesterly Rant (Spring 2011)

Welcome to my Biannual, Semesterly Rant.  I engage in such a dialog about once a semester usually around the middle of the semester.  Sometimes you will read about my discontent but that is not the same as the Biannual, Semesterly Rant, which is far more exasperated than other posts.

Professors often have this notion of taking a student, melting them down to their basic elements and rebuilding them to make something better.  Usually they use metal in this metaphor.  The problem with this is… you can only melt things down so many times before you end up with NOTHING. Honestly let’s take the metaphor of metal.  You can only harden steel so many times before it becomes so hard that it breaks.  If you melt it down you can lose some of it main properties.    So the more these people attempt to mold us to be “better” we end up losing things (usually our sanity and faith in the human race).  Ok, something may be better to not have hanging around, but honestly how many times do they expect you to start from scratch?

 Each class they want to you think like them, but not like them… and then they tell the students who are only half way doing the work that they are doing a great job.  Does this make the person a natural?  A natural at everything? So if we follow this logic in order to do better, we should stop trying.  Is this sound teaching?   Hmmm…. me thinks not.  

Also then you get the whole ‘well I am just wanting you to question things’.  Yeah, I have been questioning a lot of things but they have nothing to do with the universe, or the concepts of equality in the modern world.  They do, however, manage to make 

we ask ‘why am I here’, though I really don’t think it’s in the manor that the philosophers and the theologians usually meant.  I have spent hundreds and thousands of dollars to be told that I am not as good as a slacker and that I should think like every professor, but not like the other professors.  Great and here my parents have lied to me all my life that I should try to be myself.  Haha!  The world makes some much sense now, and conformity strikes again.  

Ah, thank you world and I feel better.  As you were.

Weeks I & II Spring Semester 2011 (here we go again)

So where to start? Well lets go with the beginning. I was actually looking forward to this semester. I have some hard profs this time but I thought heck I only have 15 credits....shouldn't be too bad right? Wrong! i miss my very first class this semester and its a Intro Political Research... this means I know nothing about it. Get to my Intro to German Studies and it is great. I go to my German Phonetics class and it rocks too. I heard from my online prof before the semester even started and have a 500 word page paper due every week. I thought that wouldn't be that bad, but you see he wants it to be a "highly polished" essay :-/ and the readings for the weeks are about 60-90 in the class. I get into my Capstone for Cultural Anthropology. Haha I am the only Archeology person in the class ( a no duh moment) but the sad part is I can't really put up with all the "touchy feely " crap that some of them spout (if you are one of my friends you can rest assured that you are not one of them ;-) In fact that would not bother me if some of them even thought about what they were saying but alas they do not. So in that class I have more HW than really should be legal for an undergrad course but I think that is just how this semester is going lol.

Last Thursday I got in a wreck in I-15 due to idiots and ice. Some people went off the road others freaked when they saw some cars on the side o

f the road and thought "hey this is a good time to stop." Never mind the fact that we were on a 75mph road during rush hour and the rain and turned to ice, no now was a great time to stop. I started fishtailing and I got it back under control... then I got hit from behind. Stated sliding sideways (still on the HWY). Well I got the whole sliding thing taken care of, got off the road and waited 'til I could get over to the other side of the road so that we could wait for the tow truck.

My Poor Baby (aka: the aftermath)

Luckily Lee was ahead of me and was able to pick me up as I couldn't drive my car any more. I make it home and get to the doctor, find out that I have torn up some muscles in my back and that's about (but minor though it is, I do not recommend it. In truth I think it has turned me into a raging psycho with and even shorter fuse than normal lol. If you don't believe me just ask Lee)

So I get back to school and find that I have left my parking permit home in Lee's car. I decide to park on a "street" type thing by my apartment so that I don't have to pay the $75 for not having my permit. The police never ticket there but the night I park there, they do. On the same day that I find the ticket my kitchen skin clogs up and so I can't even finish doing my dishes. I the lose my phone, have to write a report and then help give a presentation.

LOL so that is the update for this semester so far. I would love to give some good news but I am kind of lacking... wait! The day I got home some of my friends bought me a Coldstone ice cream. Yep,that rocked. I do have some great and totally awsome friends and family ;-)

To keep with what I was saying

So since what I last posted today was to happy and so forth. I've been listening to some of my dad's favorite songs and I found this poem that my friend gave me when dad died. I really liked it so I thought I would post it in case someone else might like it too.

...Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow;
I am the diamond glints in snow;
I am the sunlight on ripened grain;
I am the gentle autumn rain.
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight;
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry:
I am not there. I did not die.

Where to start??

So I think that it has been even longer since I have posted anything (I seem to say that a lot). To tell the truth I have been a bit depressed. This last semester has been the hardest so far, but I made it through and passed all of my classes. Woot! I have a class that I am really not looking forward to this semester but sigh what can I say. You do what you gotta do.

This Christmas was crazy. I was supposed to spend it with Lex and Barlow but no joy. We had a snow storm that was insane. We got over 3 feet of snow and there was no way in heck we would make it. Instead I made gingerbread cookies and ended up having enough for all the kids that showed up to school to decorate one. I went to my in-laws for Christmas and that was as crazy as usual ;-)

We have ripped out our old fireplace insert and have just the old stone fireplace and it rocks, even though it is messy.

I got to spend New Years at Lex's place with her, Barlow and his parents. Lee didn't get to go because he had to work. I had a lot of fun and got to see some awsome places. I have to say that they live in a beautiful place.

Sorry this is kinda random but I'm trying to remember a lot of things at once. lol.

The thing that has taken me most by surprise is how much I missed dad for Christmas. It was one of his least favorite holidays but it feels so wrong not having him here any more. After all of these months I still can't really believe it. I try not to let the loss consume my thoughts but at times it is all I can do to keep from crying. I look at the testimony that he carved into one of his pots and miss him even more. I regret the times when I could have spent more time with him and every moment that I ever got annoyed with him. Dad and I usually got along and I loved every moment that I spent with him, but those few that were different are things that I regret so much now. I wonder if we will ever understand the hole that we leave in other's lives when we are gone. What has been surprising is the amount of people who I have never met before telling me how much they miss my dad. Sometimes I wonder if I really knew my dad, but at the same time I think you can spend most of your life with someone and still not know everything about them.

The First 3 Week 2010

Ok so its been a while since I have posted anything. I started this semester with 19 credits. One Bio class, one class in Osteology, two higher German classes, Intercultural communications and a Managing Information Systems class. My ostio class requires about 7hr in the lab per week so I dropped one of my German classes that was kicking my butt. It was German lit and we were reading Old German the equivalent of Old English only in German ;-) Having done this I think I can make it through this semester. Before I had to miss classes so that I could get all of my home work done (not a good thing) and I still didn't get it all done.

Right now I am listening to America's Greatest Hits and thinking about my dad. Half of these songs I heard on the radio while we were working in the shop together. I remember one time he was throwing a pot and The Sandman came on and I realized that it followed the exact beat of the kick wheel and the flow of the clay while dad was using it. Its kind of crazy to be so sad and so happy at the same time lol. I still have to say that not being able to talk to my dad hurts like heck. I've learned so much already this semester and he's not here to tell. I also found a crazy kind of fungus growing in my fountain at home and I would like to know what kind it is before I Clorox it but dad's not here to ask. I still can't believe my dad is gone even though it has been so long. I still say goodbye to dad every time I leave for school. Its kind of an odd thing but it just feels wrong to not say goodbye to him.

On a (Less depressing) side note I have dyed my hair three times since my last post. I went from my natural red hair to black with orange streaks to black with red streaks and now I am currently sporting a chocolate brown. I have no idea why anyone would really care but this shows how random my mental proses has been.

Also I broke out the window in my apartment. It was an accident. I got locked out... well I couldn't find my keys. I had just gone shopping and my keys were no longer with me. You see the sliding part of the window can be moved a little so I thought I could break into my own apartment but... ummm.... it was a very good design and the window flexed and crash! Glass everywhere. The sucky thing was I was still locked out of my apartment. So I went to the office of the people who run the apartment and pulled into a parking stall, got out of my car and found my keys laying right next to my door. (I can't make this stuff up). So in the end I found my keys and I have to $130 to replace my window but I currently have a patch job and glass all over my floor (this happened the 3rd of Sep) and I still forgot to bring my vacuum up. So there you have it, my first few weeks at school this semester. Ah yes, some weeks just make you wanna scream ;-)

(If this post makes absolutely no sense to anyone I blame either my totally overloaded schedule of the last few weeks or America's Greatest Hits that reminded me of dad :-D)

The Willow Trees

This is a poem that I wrote in memory of my dad who I miss and love so much. It doesn't say everything I would like to say but there are some things that the English language is not capable of. It is just crazy to me how we can use words everyday but still never truly say what we feel or mean.

The Willow Tree

Calmly sings the willow leaves among the twining trees

Sweetly sings the autumn breeze among the stormy seas.

All these things you told me if trades long forgot

All these things you taught me of how the earth was wrought.

Of tales long told ad worlds unknown

That dreams in life were sown

In this world your life unfurled 'til breath had met its end

No more wisdom can you give to me, or hope and guidance send.

Now I learn of love and loss

And how a smile my pain must cross.

For now you sleep beneath the trees your pain has met its end,

But now my pain shall take some time for life to mend.

So sleep well in the silent seas and view the bright clear skies,

And learn of life and things unknown where pain no longer cries.

The willow leaves still calmly sing among the twining trees.

The autumn breeze yet sings among the stormy seas.